Mmmmmmmm Side-Effects

Things I learned at the doctor's office today:

1) I'm back up to my "fighting weight." If by "fighting" I mean ability to pin opponents by letting myself fall forward onto them. Actually, though, I'm still a little amazed at where all my weight is really located. I don't have a beer belly, my love-handles are not what I'd call "easy grip," and I don't notice any untoward heaviness to my earlobes. I ain't svelte, but I'm not particularly doughy, so I'm thinking my fat must all be stored somewhere in my feet as a dense mass.

2) My blood pressure is good. I have NO idea how this could possibly be true. With how easily irritated I am by anything these days--news of the world, mad scientists not acknowledging my suggestions and resumes, a complete lack of fabic softener in my washed clothing, lurking puppies with baleful eyes--I would think that any puncture to one of my veins would unleash a stream of blood with sufficient force to bore through a midget.

3) I do indeed still have testicles. It's just nice to have a second opinion about that.

4) There is no ailment in modern medicine that can't be stabbed at with antibiotics. Side effects for the two-week course I'm on include a slight possibility of a ruptured spleen. And headaches and nausea. And explosive decompression. And a sudden fondness for Barbara Streisand.

The doctor was telling me that they were going to stop seeing patients "in office" come October. Instead, there was going to be a big red circle on the sidewalk outside their office windows and patients could walk up, stand there, and shout up to the doctors what their problem was. Then the doctors could select from any number of dart rifles (but let's say three) and Lee Harvey the correct dose of antibiotic into them. No fuss, no muss. So it'll be like:

DOCTOR (leaning slightly out from window): What seems to be the problem today?
PATIENT #1: Well, I can't seem to shake these sniffles and the aphids in my ears-*thwptpt!* patient clutches neck
DOCTOR (handing small rifle back to the nurse): You'll recieve a bill in a few days. Next!
PATIENT #2 (holds arm, bent back at the elbow, toward the window): Does this look right to you? *pow**thunk* Ow! Right in the... ow!
DOCTOR: Suck it up, you baby. Next!
PATIENT #3: Er... well, can you see the size of this lump on my neck? And what does it mean when you shit blood?
Doctor: Hmmmmm. (Nurse helps him get bazooka on shoulder and starts to load 20mm Rocket Propelled Syringe) Turn your head and cough, please, and try not to move...

They'll also have medical ninjas to take blood samples before you even leave the parking deck. Medical ninja robots.

Talking About the Weather

Seriously, what the hell? It's July 12th, 75-degrees outside, and according to my "sources" we're at 97% humidity. It feels much worse than that, really to the point that it really feels like standing in the rain only without, you know, any water actually falling on you. Yesterday, for maybe a few hours, we had something approaching normal rain, though since winter it's literally been T-storms or nothing down here.

So would you guys PLEASE stop screwing around with your weather dominators, dark magics/majiks, and general amateur mad-scientistism. If you haven't figured it out by now, I'm guessing you're not going to figure it out at all.

On another note, the power company was by the house a few days ago to "trim back" my tree from the power lines. Apparently, this is a process that involves releasing a pack of 6-foot-long cybernetic squirrels with chainsaws for feet and letting them have at it for 2 or 3 hours. (The squirrels also shoot wasps out of their mouths and have orange Fanta for blood, because wasps love orange Fanta. But that's neither here nor there.)

Why Russia Has the Best President Ever!

From today's Moscow Times Online:

"After wrapping up an online conference last Thursday, Putin took a few minutes to answer several of the most-popular questions sent in by Russian Internet users, Kommersant reported Friday....
"Yes, we will use the latest technical devices. Already now they are being stationed, for example, in the southern parts of our country," Putin said when reporters asked him after the conference whether Russia planned to use "gigantic, humanoid war robots" to defend itself.
Asked to elaborate about what he meant, Putin said: "These are unmanned aerial vehicles. And maybe the time will come for gigantic robots. However, so far we have put our main hope on people -- namely border guards," Putin said, Kommersant reported.
Asked about the possible awakening of the giant mythical octopus Cthulhu, the fourth-most popular question among the more than 150,000 sent to Putin, he said that he believed something more serious was behind the question. Cthulhu was invented by novelist H.P. Lovecraft and was said to be sleeping beneath the Pacific Ocean.
Putin said he viewed mysterious forces with suspicion and advised those who took them seriously to read the Bible, Koran or other religious books.
"When did you start to have sex?" Kommersant reporter Andrei Kolesnikov then asked, verbalizing a question that was on the minds of 5,640 Internet users.
"I don't remember when I started. But I can say when the most recent time was," Putin said.

Regardez Bye-Bye

Well, the good news is that she'll be happier living in a farmhouse (indoors, I'm told). The bad news is my floor will go unprotected from invisible monsters and feet.

For fuck's sake.

Because You're Not Supposed to Have Cute Things

Yes, I have a new kitten named Latte (and not by me). Cute little bugger who has instantly become the enemy of shoes, anything made of paper, invisible floor monsters, her own tail, and, apparently, my allergies.

So, after trying to get past it, and washing my hands every 20 minutes, and trying not to let Latte crawl into my nose every 10 minutes (there's really nothing in there, Latte: trust me, my finger has checked in the past), the whole kitten thing might not be for me. At least, this is what I thought when I woke up at 3am last night with what felt like several pairs of socks stuffed in my lungs,
which literal act might have been blamed on the kitten except I closed my door before I went to sleep and her ninja training is still in the very early stages.

I'm giving it one more night, anyway, but I'm probably giving her back tomorrow. Which is not making me happy today. Sigh.

Raindog is getting a Rainkitty!

Oh the humanity!