hope vs. stupidity
I admit it. I play the lotto. I'm rather embaressed to admit this, I know I won't win; I know that the odds are truly insurmountable. My father-in-law refers to the lottery as a tax on the stupid, which cracks me up. But I still play.
At least I use too.
Now don't get me wrong, I was never one of those people that stand in line and drop 50 bucks saying box this and do that and 3 bucks on whatever and all that other nonsense. But on occasion I would be standing in line at White Hen or the gas station and someone in front of me would buy something lottery related, and I would say "what the hell - give me one too" and then they would ask me "which game?" to which I would reply "the big one, the mega- whatever". Then I would carry the ticket around with me for a month because I never remembered to check and see if I won.
I would usually remember that I had a ticket in my wallet at some time when I was not able to see if I had won, so I would briefly daydream about the possibilty of having won several million dollars and then get on with my life. I actually kind of enjoyed this, carrying this unchecked ticket around with me was like carrying around a little bit of hope or at least akin to waiting 'til the end of the day to enjoy the candybar you bought at the market that morning.
I knew I wouldn't win. I knew I couldn't win. Just carrying around the little stub of paper gave me a tiny trickle of hope which was sufficient - it was enjoyable. When I would finally get around to checking the number, I would confirm that I truly hadn't won, and throw away the ticket. A few weeks or a few months later I would buy another one and the process would repeat.
Until the last time. The last time I played the lottery I kept thinking about the ticket and in a relatively short amount of time (just a few days) I went on-line to see if I had won. When I found that I had not become a member of the filthy-rich club, I was actually disappointed, almost surprised.
This rather shocked me - playing the lottery use to be lark, a giggle - I knew that I wouldn't win but the daydreams it offered me for a dollar seemed well worth it. But now it seemed that somehow I was actually attaching real hopes and dreams to this really improbable event. This realization was devastating. Somehow I had become one of those people that pin their lives on a hope and a dream. I had started to pay the stupid tax.
I am a firm believer that you make your own destiny. Sure, luck falls into it, but it is not the deciding factor - the person you are is what makes your life what it is. By starting to fall into the trap of believeing my fate could be controlled by luck I was somehow becoming less of a person. I had gone from spending a dollar to daydream, to expecting that for some reason I deserved this reward.
I think I will layoff the lottery for now. I know you can't win if you don't play, but let's be honest - you really can't win if you do play either. And I really don't want to start putting faith in luck - I just can't imagine waiting for my "big break" and being constanly disappointed. This can be translated into "I would rather be hopeless than disappointed." Now this is certainly not true, nor do I want to imply that I am leading some bleak existence without hope - but in the case of the stupid tax, I will stick with the life I can make rather than one being dangled like a carrot on a stick in front of me.
At least I use too.
Now don't get me wrong, I was never one of those people that stand in line and drop 50 bucks saying box this and do that and 3 bucks on whatever and all that other nonsense. But on occasion I would be standing in line at White Hen or the gas station and someone in front of me would buy something lottery related, and I would say "what the hell - give me one too" and then they would ask me "which game?" to which I would reply "the big one, the mega- whatever". Then I would carry the ticket around with me for a month because I never remembered to check and see if I won.
I would usually remember that I had a ticket in my wallet at some time when I was not able to see if I had won, so I would briefly daydream about the possibilty of having won several million dollars and then get on with my life. I actually kind of enjoyed this, carrying this unchecked ticket around with me was like carrying around a little bit of hope or at least akin to waiting 'til the end of the day to enjoy the candybar you bought at the market that morning.
I knew I wouldn't win. I knew I couldn't win. Just carrying around the little stub of paper gave me a tiny trickle of hope which was sufficient - it was enjoyable. When I would finally get around to checking the number, I would confirm that I truly hadn't won, and throw away the ticket. A few weeks or a few months later I would buy another one and the process would repeat.
Until the last time. The last time I played the lottery I kept thinking about the ticket and in a relatively short amount of time (just a few days) I went on-line to see if I had won. When I found that I had not become a member of the filthy-rich club, I was actually disappointed, almost surprised.
This rather shocked me - playing the lottery use to be lark, a giggle - I knew that I wouldn't win but the daydreams it offered me for a dollar seemed well worth it. But now it seemed that somehow I was actually attaching real hopes and dreams to this really improbable event. This realization was devastating. Somehow I had become one of those people that pin their lives on a hope and a dream. I had started to pay the stupid tax.
I am a firm believer that you make your own destiny. Sure, luck falls into it, but it is not the deciding factor - the person you are is what makes your life what it is. By starting to fall into the trap of believeing my fate could be controlled by luck I was somehow becoming less of a person. I had gone from spending a dollar to daydream, to expecting that for some reason I deserved this reward.
I think I will layoff the lottery for now. I know you can't win if you don't play, but let's be honest - you really can't win if you do play either. And I really don't want to start putting faith in luck - I just can't imagine waiting for my "big break" and being constanly disappointed. This can be translated into "I would rather be hopeless than disappointed." Now this is certainly not true, nor do I want to imply that I am leading some bleak existence without hope - but in the case of the stupid tax, I will stick with the life I can make rather than one being dangled like a carrot on a stick in front of me.
posted by samiam at 11:09 AM
4 Comments:
"the person you are is what makes your life what it is. "
The truth, in all it's horrific honesty, and yet less than the total of reality. 'Cause on a good day reality can be more what we make it. It becomes something in spite of us.
There is a bit, I can't remember if it is a paragraph, or a sentence, or just a few lines, in The Sheltering Sky where the main character realises that the sky is just some kind of shield between humanity and the inevitability of -God? Eternity? Fate? Death? I think it is supposed to be God, but you can substitute that for the inevitable thing that makes you shrivel up and feel small before the universe.
I don't understand adults who believe in luck or faith or religion. And I kinda have to laugh at people who believe in destiny. But I do understand why they want to believe in those things. Everything must feel a little warmer for them than it does for those of us that think we see things more clearly, and I can't blame them for wanting that.
But they shouldn't blame me for wanting to laugh at them. It's only fair
Hmm, I almost never go out drinking and stay out late any more. Note to self, when doing so don't come home and comment on blog.
I definitely don't believe in destiny, as it is equal parts stupid and depressing. For one thing, if destiny was true I think a lot more people would own ponies.
I do believe in luck, however. I have, in fact, called people Lucky Bastards and meant it. I believe that I myself carry some luck within me that will pop out at some opportune moment and net me a free coffee or something and then go back inside me and hide for another 20 years.
Maybe I'll start popping into the White Hens of the world and buy a ticket occaisionally. One of us has to become rich, dammit, if only so we can get those ponies and become People of Destiny.
Oh, and it's not so much that I think hope's stupid, it's that the longer we go without our brilliance being acknowledged and our pockets filled with diamonds, the more we settle for the occaisional smile and cute pocket lint bunnies (!). We know hope is Burning us like a sharp-tongued high schooler, but we're helpless to completely sever ties with the old fop.
That's right, I said "fop."
Been going on that way for years, frankly. Doesn't help that I'm largely an anti-social freak.
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