Fine: Take This
How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. The lightbulb contains within itself the seeds of its own revolution.
In your face!
None. The lightbulb contains within itself the seeds of its own revolution.
In your face!
posted by Greg at 6:12 AM
13 Comments:
A man who was feeling depressed after his wife left him sits down at a bar and orders a drink. He notices a woman sitting alone at the other end of the bar and decides to go talk to her after having a couple drinks.
"So what brings you here?" he asks.
"Oh," she sighs, "my husband left me because he thought i was too kinky. So, I am just here trying to ease the pain," she replies.
"That's interesting. My wife just left me, and I very much suspect that she thought I was too kinky."
They both subtly laughed and enjoyed a few drinks together. Then the woman suggests:
"How 'bout we go back to my place and see what happens."
"Sure," he said.
They go to her place, and upon entering the front door, she says:
"Hang up your coat and have a seat in here while I go put on something a little more...comfortable."
So she goes back to her bedroom and takes off all her clothes. She then puts on a black leather bra with holes exposing her nipples, slides on a pair of black leather panties, and grabs a black leather whip and some handcuffs. As she walks back out to the living room she notices the man putting his coat back on and opening the front door to leave.
"Where are you going?" she asks. "I thought we were gonna get kinky!"
"Look Lady: I fucked your dog, I shit in your purse, I'm outta here!"
POW! Mo' killya!
What did the Buddhist Monk say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
The monk hands over a $20 bill and asks for change, but the vendors replies, "Change comes from within."
Zing!
A businessman gets on a train to Pittsburg, and sits down next to another gentleman with a horrendous black eye, which he seemed to have recieved quite recently.
"Jeez, buddy, are you OK?" the businessman asked.
"I'm so embarassed," said the gentleman with the black eye. "You ever had one of those episodes, where you say what you mean instead of what you want?"
"You mean like a Freudian slip?" asked the businessman.
"Exactly! Well, I went up to the ticket counter, and the cashier was this beautiful woman, with enormous breasts. I couldn't take my eyes off them. So what I wanted to say was 'two tickets to Pittsburg', but what came out was 'two pickets to titsburg'. She hauled off and belted me."
"Boy, I know what you mean," said the businessman. "Just this morning, I meant to ask my wife 'Honey, would you please pass the sugar?' but what came out was 'You bitch, you ruined my life!'"
Borscht-belt!
A penguin is driving across country when his car begins to break down. He takes the exit ramp to the nearest little town, and to his relief finds a repair garage that's open. The mechanic says, "Tell you what, I've got one other job ahead of you. Why don't you walk through downtown, take a look around, and come back here in, say, half an hour?"
The penguin agrees. He admires city hall, the library, and the bandstand on the town square, and then sees a sidewalk ice cream vendor. Ice cream! It's been MONTHS since he's had ice cream! He orders a three-scoop vanilla cone and eagerly begins eating it, gorging himself and covering his beak and face in his enthusiasm.
He waddles back to the garage. The mechanic emerges, wiping his hands on a rag, and says, "Looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin blushes. "Oh, no, this is just ice cream."
Joke!
A man walks into a bar and hears someone pounding away on a piano. He notices a crowd gathered around a piano in the corner, and sees that the guy playing the piano is really tiny -- only a foot high or so.
He asks the bartender where he found such a small piano player, and the bartender jerks his thumb to the backbar where there's an oil lamp on a shelf.
"Magic genie," says the bartender.
"Wow!" the customer says. "Can I try rubbing the lamp?"
"Sure," says the bartender, reaching for the lamp. "Just be sure to speak very clearly when you make your wish."
"What do you mean?" asks the customer.
"Well," the bartender says, "do you really think I would've asked for a 12-inch pianist?"
Out of things to put here!
Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna fuck around?"
A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that's my wish." The genie looks concerned, then says "No, I'm sorry, that's just not possible. Some things just can't be changed. Do you have another wish?" The guys says 'Well...for my whole life I've never receievd oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says "How would you define peace?"
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says ‘What the hell was that all about?"
Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," he says. The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?" The other guy says, "You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat."
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't appear to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: my friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. "OK, now what?"
Your last one is The Funniest Joke in the World, according to a survey that tracked what joke best crossed cultural boundries of humor.
The funny thing is, all the jokes I put up were cherry-picked from a resulting thread about that topic.
Oddly enough, that was what I thought.
I think that the golf joke is funny actually, but, you know, Jesus, he's just funny.
Speaking of funny:
http://www.skippyslist.com/skippylist.html
(Too early to link properly!)
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